On Transcending The Everyday Oreo Ball
better than art
is repulsive art
which demonstrates
better than scripture
the tiny measure
of your improvement
-Leonard Cohen
Dealing with Other People and Their Ideas
My acquaintance Samantha Hilary, whose name, in order to protect the innocent, will be changed to “Sam” for this ordeal, is by profession, a pilot, and by hobby, an ikebana arranger. Sam is not, by any ordination, a chef. Fearing the knife, the heat, and the demoralizing yet inevitable burden of failure, Sam rarely visits her kitchen, except to grab something packaged. Yet, Sam does have one, singular, sole recipe memorized and mastered; a recipe she is annoyingly proud of, so much so that among our small social circle Sam has earned the nickname Oreo Balls Sam, because if and when we gather for a dinner, or any other meal, Sam is certain to bring along Oreo Balls.
Oreo Balls are not good. They are palatable, as most things with copious quantities of sugar and fat tend to be, but they are not morally good nor good for you. For those of you who haven’t been to a dinner with Sam, Oreo Balls consist of a conglomeration of Oreos and cream cheese rolled into balls and dipped in melted chocolate and then refrigerated until Sam brings them to dinner. The way Sam makes them, with regular Oreos and Philadelphia brand cream cheese, the balls are a cloying reminder that the executives at those few food corporations that run the world have no problem eating sushi on a yacht on a yacht while they sell us peasants cardboard cookies and altered cow fluids and they know we’ll eat them because of sugar and fat.
After years of suffering through Sam’s sole contribution to any meal, I finally realized that I must be part of the solution rather than continuing to eat the problem. So, I asked a mutual friend to have Sam email me the recipe for Oreo Balls, in the hopes that I might be able to find a better way. Here’s what she sent (I have not corrected for capitalization, spelling, nor grammar):
* 1 standard roll of oreos
* 1 small Philadelphia cream cheese container
* chocolate chips
1. blend the oreos
2. reserve a spoonful of oreo dust
3. add the crem cheese and blend some more
4. Roll into balls
5. Melt chocalate chips (microwave 15 seconds, stir, repeat, or double-boil)
6. Toothpick ball, dip into melted chocolate, then set aside
7. Sprankle the lot with oreo dust
I attempted to follow this recipe, step by step, in full faith, but found that nearly each step was impossible. First off, what is a “standard roll” of Oreos? At my market, Oreos are sold in trays of three rows. When I first attempted this, I used an entire tray, which made the resulting balls too Oreo-y. After several adjustments, I settled on one row of the three in a tray. Next issue, there are some many varieties of Philadelphia cream cheese containers available at the shop, several of which might be considered “small.” I can now report that the correct amount is 6 oz of cream cheese per 1 row or 12 Oreos.
Sam leaves the amount of chocolate chips up to our imagination. We know it’s more than 1, because then the recipe would call for “chocolate chip” rather than “chips.” So, it’s definitely at least 2 chocolate chips. Not wanting to be wasteful, I started with 2, but they did not suffice so I had to throw everything away and start again. The correct number is 150 chocolate chips, which I can declare conclusively after that many tests.
Proceeding through Sam’s recipe, I continued running into walls, specifically at these steps:
1. Blend the Oreos — I do not own a blender, so I had to crush them by hand which was very tiring, plus the sharp edges of the cookies cut by knuckles and a sometimes a bit of blood got into the mixture.
3. Add the cream cheese and blend some more — I already told you, Sam, that I don’t have a blender, and mixing these by hand was texturally disgusting and inefficient.
5. Melt chocolate chips — My microwave doesn’t have a “double-boil” feature, so I had use the 15 second interval method, which was time consuming and stressful, especially as Sam fails to indicate how many repetitions are necessary.
6. Toothpick ball, dip into melted chocolate, then set aside — You can’t toothpick things that don’t have teeth. I did realize that you can stab the balls with toothpicks, but you can also just throw them all in the melted chocolate chips, so why waste the wood? Environment, Sam, ever heard of it?
7. Sprinkle the lot with Oreo dust — What’s the point? They are already 45% Oreo.
Making Things Better
I experimented endlessly with Sam’s Oreo Ball recipe because a small voice of hope kept singing within me. That voice told me that we can make things better in the world, no matter how bad they seem now. It was challenging and painful, but I made and ate thousands of Oreo Balls in order to arrive, finally, at a more perfect union of cookie and cream. I’d love to share my findings with you now:
Emmet’s Perfect Balls - an original recipe by Emmet Zelo
Ingredients:
• 12 Dark Chocolate Oreos — you must use dark chocolate Oreos, no other flavor will do
• 6 oz of Tillamook Seriously Strawberry Farmstyle Cream Cheese Spread — you must use this brand and flavor, no substitutions will do
• 150 Chocolate Chips of any brand
Creation Procedure:
1. Open the Oreo package and taste a few to make sure they are fresh.
2. Take a nap to recover from the Oreos
3. Select 12 of the weakest looking Oreos from the bunch and hit them with a hammer until they are pulverized
4. Place their remains in a large bowl and throw in 6 ounces of Tillamook Seriously Strawberry Farmstyle Cream Cheese Spread
5. Wash your hands
6. Knead the Oreo bits into the cream cheese, taking your time to mix them thoroughly
7. Wash your hands
8. Place 10 chocolate chips in a microwave safe bowl
9. Microwave them for 30 seconds
10. Add another 10 chocolate chips
11. Microwave the now 20 chips for another 30 seconds
12. Stir
13. Repeat steps 10, 11, and 12, until all 150 chips are intermingled
14. Wash your hands
15. Grab a bit of the Oreo/Cream Cheese mixture and roll it around between your palms to create a 1-inch diameter ball
16. If you don’t have two palms ask a friend to help
17. Wash your hands
18. Reheat the chocolate chips to make sure it is melty
19. Throw the ball into the melted chocolate chips and roll it around a bit
20. Set the chocolate covered ball on a refrigerator safe plate
21. Repeat steps 17–20 until you don’t have enough Oreo/Cream Cheese material left to grab
22. Place the balled plate in the fridge
23. Bring them over to Sam’s for dinner
To The Stars, I Say
In 2019’s most depressing film, Ad Astra, astronaut Brad Pitt endures a harrowing journey in order to (spoilers ahead) prevent his father, astronaut Tommy Lee Jones, from ending all life in the solar system. The heartbreaking and terrifying message of the film is that by seeking a future we may be destroying it. This bleak worldview, so trendy these days, might be justified as some necessary caution, but I find it to be an odious anti-human sentiment. If we do not believe that we can do better, then we may as well stop now, and if we may as well stop now then we may as well have never started in the first place. No. Our birthright is to transform the bad to the good and the good to the best, forever.
It was with this spirit of optimism that I embarked upon my journey to repair a broken Oreo Balls system. I believe I have done more than merely elevate; I have recovered, restored, and renewed. I have sent a message, loud and clear, that sings to all who might hear it, “things can, and will, get better!” Also, the strawberry flavored cream cheese adds something nice.
